Me, Not You...

Ah, here we are again.
Long week brought long bouts of insanity.

That being said! Here are some moments of reality. My last week on at work, brought about a lot of negative energy I wasn't ready for. The vast number of people I am exposed to on a regular basis, who are negative in their thoughts and actions is not something new.
However, my reaction to it this last week was rough. I found myself in a state of perpetual "glass half empty" mood. I saw it, realized it, but couldn't seem to shake it. It was obvious enough, that even my overnight partner at work noticed it and called me out on it.
I wasn't "ugly" or "rude" or anything, just very quietly negative.
For someone who is always... "Ok", "Great", "fine", or the one who always says, it is what it is and it could always be worse... It was a change to be so wound in to darkness.
The negative, rude, depressing people I was surrounded with on my last week on, left me feeling bereft of my usual abilities to deal with what life had thrown me and bounce with it.

So, the end of my week on was met with... "ME, All about ME time!" For about 36 hours, I refused to deal with the outside world. No phone, no text, no email, no messaging, nothing... Unfortunately, my poor husband bore the brunt of some of that.
Fortunately, for me, he knows that when I can no longer handle the cards dealt, I shut down and work hard to restart myself.

My down time was not met with such great enthusiasm. There are forces in my life, that sometimes forget that they can be and will be included in my, "NO, it's all about ME time, right now."
I wanted to feel guilty for the 19 phone calls from loving family members that I didn't respond to. The number of phone calls from family that my husband had to deal with, because I wouldn't. I even wanted to feel guilty for the not so nice things I said to my husband, when he told me about the phone calls.

I didn't. I don't. I won't.

What does it mean to be perpetually sick? What does it mean, to know you will never be "better", that "normal" isn't something you can ever expect.
Well, it means a lot of things, to a lot of people.
Sometimes, to me, it means that I have to focus a lot of energy to stay positive, to continue to associate with "normal" people, to give my time to family and friends. It can mean, that in light of generally negative people surrounding me, I have to fight to stay above that never ending spiral of despair.
Just because I don't "look sick" doesn't make me any less ill.
Just because I continue to try to find my happy side, doesn't mean that I'm all rainbows and roses in there.

I walk and talk, I smile and laugh, I joke and love, I work and live.
It is not easy.
Easy would be to crawl in to my little hole of despair and stay there.
It takes a lot to focus myself and keep moving forward.
Living is what is hard.
Living when you are forever ill, is even harder.

So, when I take time for me, to re-center myself and put my brave face on, to shake off all the negative energy from around me, to let go off all the slights and insults, the realities of being forever sick...
When I take this time and hold it close and sacred and refuse to let anyone in, it really isn't about you.
It really is, about me.

Selfish has nothing to do with it. This is my life, my survival, my decision to keep facing my illness and not let it take control of my life. This is me, trying desperately to avoid that spiral of despair that can so easily consume those of us that live with a life long illness.

This is me, making my decision to do the hardest thing of all.
Live!!!